E3 2004 Web Updates

Cranking out widgets in search of meaning...
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Dungeons & Dragons an insult to geekdom...

There must be thousands of Dungeons & Dragons game modules and books out there that could have inspired a great film and possibly begun a new movie series as long-running as the Star Trek films. It's a curious disappointment all that storytelling expertise was thrown away in order to create this hackneyed mess. If a Dungeon Master came up with a scenario like this, he'd have no players.

Roll 1d20 to save against lack of characterization.

This film starts out bad, and manages to awe only in it's ability to get worse. The hero of the story (we all know that a Wayans brother can't be the real hero) is so bland and two-dimensional that we don't care whatsoever about his contrived destiny to be the thief that saves the Kingdom. As for Marlan Wayans, he is outright painful to watch and I continually wondered why the hell he was in this anyway. Oh yeah... He dies, but not soon enough. Whenever we played D&D and rolled characters that were "unplayably weak", we rolled again.

Roll 2d6 to check if you still have a career.

The other actors in this movie have probably cut their chances of being cast in anything decent for years. If he has any sense, Jeremy Irons is regretting this live-action adaptation of his Lion King role already. Two of the funniest moments for me (yes, this is almost good as an unintentional comedy) were two cameos; Tom Baker of Doctor Who fame plays an elf who would be Yoda. Richard O'Brien who hosted a game show in Britain gets to say his tag line "You finish the maze, you win the prize"! These cameos were great because there was no audience reaction at all. Tom Baker has aged badly, and took a while to recognize, whereas Richard O'Brien is mostly unknown here in North America.

Roll 1d100 for authenticity.

Someone I was with said that the levitating gray blob with one big eye was actually a D&D monster, but pretty much nothing else here seems to have been taken from the games at all. So much of this was so blatantly taken from other films that it was like watching a Mel Brooks version. From Mortal Kombat CGI effects to clothes from Battlestar Galactica, this contributes nothing to the genre, and has probably re-affirmed the notion in many people's minds that D&D players are really lame.